It’s quarter past twelve and I’m sitting on my bathroom floor. Contemplating about life and mostly about love. If someone would ask me I’d describe most of my friends and myself as somewhat reasonable persons. No one’s acting in full irrationality.
With one big exception: dudes.
I’ve seen the brightest girls obsess over the smallest details in a guy’s behaviour. Overanalysing and getting hung up on the use of punctuation. Why is it that we start acting crazy as soon as dick is involved? What gets us so worked up about double-texting (something I’d rather die than doing)? What is it with this unstable interpretations that sometimes take up our whole days (and nights). Why isn’t he texting me back? Why was he using an emoji instead of a simple “(:”? Why hasn’t he asked me how I am doing or if I’m free?
We’re obsessing over irrelevant stuff that guys (wild guess) don’t even think about. Where’s the error in our behaviour? Who made us what we are today? Is it society? Is this a generation-gap-thing? Because a lot of “elderly” people I know would never even think twice about texting. Where’s the root of this problem?
You’d probably have to dig really deep to get a satisfying answer to all of these questions. Maybe it’s all just a social construct we made up to distract us from the fact that the dude we’re chasing is just not having it. Maybe he’s simply not feeling it. But maybe he is feeling it (hope dies at last, as they say).
I can’t even tell if this is an ‘all-girls’-problem or just one that gets a lot of recognition in my group of friends. Are we the problematic ones by setting up all those rules for ourselves? Rules that most guys – this has to be said - aren’t even aware of. We’re making up rules for a game that we’re the only part of. Our opponent (or team-mate? Guess that depends on the situation) is not even aware of being part of this game.
Have we always been like this? Has technology done this to us? Obsessive behaviour in dating culture has always been present as you can see in a lot of shows and movies. The way we’re obsessing has just changed. Posting a cute story to Instagram just to show him what he’s missing. Making ourselves overly present to maybe cause a reaction. Is this healthy? Is it part of our daily dating culture? Always keep him second-guessing while expecting him to drop one hint after another of his deep feelings for us? Are we expecting too much of men? Do we give them too much credit by interpreting overly romantic gestures into his simple use of “(:”? Does a flame emoji comment under our pics really count as a romantic gesture?
Where are the dudes that buy us flowers or bring us our favorite snack without being told to do so?
Last weekend I made a shocking discovery: Sex doesn’t have to end just because the dude spilled his cum. Apparently some dudes actually go down on you afterwards. I always thought this was a myth made up by Ariana Grande to make her songs seem more interesting (for example: sweetener).
I was in shock when this dude went down on me after he was finished. I was so startled I couldn’t even appreciate the effort he was making because it made me so uncomfortable to admit to myself how flawed my past relationships must’ve been. Was I the crazy one for not being comfortable? Were my exes just really bad examples of the male species? Was this one just a really eager one? I was – as one would say – SHOOK.
Not only was I having some real fun doing the dirty for the first time in forever, I was also confronted with some (for me) intense revelations: Sex does not always have to end with male orgasm. Some dudes actually care about your pleasure too. I do NOT know how to handle this. The last point became apparent when I got so uncomfortable with the attention I was receiving that I actually started to turn the tables and went down on him – again. I could tell that he actually didn’t expect it and wasn’t really ready to do it again. So I kind of just stopped.
The dude who’s left me on read was the most caring person in the sheets. He was actually the first one ever who seemed to care at all. How does this add up? At first you doing your best to make me cum (which he didn’t, but props to him – he tried. This was totally on me) and then I can’t even get a proper answer to my text message? Or is this me going in frenzy again?
To be honest: I am not willing to let go of this yet. For scientific purpose I want to explore this physical relationship a lot more. And to be able to do this I have to get him to ask me out again. This may be a weird flex when you take into account that I was kind of the one who ended the text conversation. My only hope is that he was blown away (literally) by my flaming ability of having sex.
Hopefully there’ll be a lot more to write/think about in the near future.
